Monday, July 19, 2010

Energiser Bunny

And so at a client's office the other day, we ran into a Energies Consultant.

An amiable old gujju chap with a cap.

So he was talking with our client, and I happened to lean over my chair and smile politely at him. BIG mistake.

So he whipped out his book of souls, and turned his attention to me. "Haan beta, so what's your name?" "Pranay" "Poora naam batao bhai" "Pranay Srinivasan" "Achcha how old are you?" "31" "Date of Birth" "3rd February 1979"

All this while he's scribbling furiously in a foolscap notebook (probably not Sundaram Notebooks - ha!) and then suddenly he starts doing some awesomely complicated mental calculations to figure out which numbers are missing and which ones are not in my life.

I wanted to suggest that all I wanted was any 1 number with a lot of zeros at the end (without decimals, ofcourse) but he interrupted my benign dream with:

"Bahut spiritual hai; Ma Baap ka laadla hai; Pet ka problem hai (Stomach, not Dog); time pe khaana khaaneka; Paisa rehta nahin hai (SOB SOB); Bahut knowledge hai; doston ko paisa diya abhi tak vaapas nahin aaya; khud a paisa lagaake business karta hai" and as token confirmation he would merely look up at me with accusatory glances to check if I acknowledged his glances or not. A bemused smile covered my face as I leaned back a little in my chair.

"Achcha, shaadi ho gaya?" "Yes Sir" "Toh Biwi ka detail batao" So I told him... "Achcha Biwi ko gussa jaldi aata hai; bahut ziddi hai; knowledge achcha hai; biwi aane ke baad hi paisa aaya hai tere paas (I shrugged, "where is that money???" - Also DON'T TELL THE WIFE this); Pet ka problem hai (THE stomach, you DODOs, NOT THE DOG); time pe khaana khaaneka"

And then he asked for my business card... and he suggested changes. A lot of changes. He saw my signature and said that it looked like the signature of a confused man...

He then went on to talk about energies, about a sadhu who'd lived over 100 years without eating, about how Krishna lived for 356 years, about how Gandhiji and the British failed at talks because their conference was around a round table, about a 100 foot high pyramid in Bangalore, how the Aztecs learnt to build pyramids from us (No I'm just joking there), about how India had energies in the wrong places and how Kashmir has made India a headless chicken. And he promised that if we changed our energies around, it would be "A MIRACLE".

I was moved, I was impressed and I was deep in thought. So I accepted the proffered acupuncture hand squeezee thingy even though it hurt my palm like hell, and I focussed on fixing my bad energies...

I changed my signature, and I reprinted new cards; I started sleeping on the right side of the bed, and I hunting for square tables. I started worrying about where I sat, what I ate, and what direction my house pointed in. I started wearing blue on saturdays, and I chose colors that matched my element.

But all this took a lot of time, and I forgot to answer my customers, and I forgot to complete my paperwork, and I did not pay attention to my wife and I could not understand why I was unable to perform "A MIRACLE".


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